Regarding a certain series of unmentionable events (suffice to say, it was bad): I don't feel bad. And that's really bad to say. And obviously I wouldn't tell most people. Emotionally, it is hard to feel much responsibility because I didn't even know what I was doing; I still don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time. Cognizantly, I know I should feel... something. Preferably something other than nostalgia... But I've never been very good at reality; rationality. (Sidenote: What a shame that it'd be a death sentence to say this publicly.) It's funny that that was the only time that someone (other than myself) seriously questioned the competence of my parent. That was also the only thing that person was right about (hashtag stopped clock moment!!!11). But yes, funny. Too bad it wasn't enough. Ohh wellllll. I also can't say I regret the events, for a number of rational existential reasons that don't actually matter in real life and shouldn't attempt to be explained to whoever's asking. My true regrets in life are instances in which my mistake resulted in harm to someone else. Yes you would think that includes this instance since it was definitely a mistake that resulted in harm to someone else... but it was FUN! Hahahahaha. It was an experience. I like to have experiences. Two real regrets that come to mind would be taking no action when a classmate told me they were being abused (sounds bad, but like everything, it's complicated, I can't really explain it in isolation), and falling out of touch with a friend who then died. Two thoughts exist simultaneously: I forgive myself, as I understand why I made these mistakes, and I also feel the immense pain and loss; the pain I caused. I think that is a healthy response? Lol. Anyway, yeah, the thing that most people would call my WORST MOST HORRIBLE THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE if they knew about it, is not something I even regret or think about very often. Not that their opinion matters but holy crap dude, adults really think it does. If you haven't experienced that, I hope you never do. I'm [age] but people in certain positions perpetually treat you as a kid, regardless of reality. Probably doesn't help to be a woman, as usual.
Wow, it's been quite a while since I've felt like writing anything down. Not just on here, but at all. I've been under a lot of stress lately, mostly from my own doing. And I see that the last time I updated this site, I was very careless... left lots of random code around... I guess my hobbies fall to the wayside when I've got "important" stuffs to do. But now I can relax a little... until college starts back up in January. Work has been boring lately... obviously I can't complain, but we are quite limited in what we can do remotely, hence boring.
I am in the midst of fascinating research on the life of Aaron Swartz. I heard about him in the news when he died in Jan 2013, but a bunch of things I believed about the story turned out to be wrong. But far more significant than that, his webpages are the most fascinating thing I've come across in a long time. I was previously familiar with the extreme rationalist crowd—Eliezer Yudkowsky, LessWrong, effective altruism—and to be honest I was annoyed at how completely devoid of emotion they seemed to be. But of course, Aaron's story is one that everyone should familiarize themselves with, for our own benefit as humans who exist under government. So I quickly got sucked into the research, and it turns out I might have been wrong to write off the rationalists so quickly. Obviously I want to be LessWrong (H A), so I will keep on reading.
i hate myself SO much more than i hate everybody else. and that just ain't right!
your silhouette haunts me
i fall apart in my dreams
undermining reality
subverting truth for soothing lies
THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM IS BEGINNING TO SHOW ITSELF
I CAN'T SEE THE GOOD IN ME
FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKK
when the world you thought you knew is so wholly shattered, where do you go, what do you turn to?
when the thoughts you have and the words you write are un-understood by all but a few, how do you find a way through?
and why?
many of us now accept that sexual orientation is not a choice. some accept that drug addiction is not a choice.
how long until we accept that violence caused by severe mental illness was not a conscious choice? because we will never make any progress until that happens.
(read: people are fucking dying because we can't wake up)
"never again"...
i feel myself slipping away. i'm aware of it as it's happening. and i feel powerless to stop it
"you're like a car crash in slow-motion, it's like i'm watching you fly through a windshield"
what do i do, what do i do
when everyone in your life walks all over you because they think they can get away with it, then of course you'd rather they be scared of you. of course. because that's the only way to make them stop
i only tried to find you when i suddenly fucking remembered that you exist and i was going to bring you to the places i know and introduce you to people who would
inally treat you right for the first fucking time in your 18 years of hell on earth and it was going to be awesome and perfect for you and and and and
i was over a year late
what kind of friend
doesn't even know their friend is dead
until over a year later
i failed you. we all failed you. but i should have known better. i'm sorry, but it doesn't help. you're dead forever. permanently. you die in the game you die in real life! comedy again! why does everything have to be funny! but also, why not? what's the alternative. PepeHands
it's way too fucking much to know what i know
but... i'd rather know?
i'd rather know...
...
yes.
i laugh through my tears
You did nothing to deserve this, and there was nothing you could have done to avoid it, either.
My heart breaks further in two every day
the existence of such a pure version of myself haunts me. i struggle to reconcile how things could ever get so fucked up, from such an innocent beginning. how could such trauma and heartbreak be inflicted upon something that had neither the capability to deserve it or to defend itself. and of course, the same goes for all of us...
stop thinking so much
you don't have to do so much
don't have to go so fast
i suddenly get it, [one of the reasons] why history is so important: because those lives are already played out. we can see, to some degree, where they fucked up, and how/if they recovered. our lives, well, obviously we don't know them yet. so we should look forward to the past... i think. ;]
take my hand now, i want it to stop
the thing is that it doesn't go away
it gets less acute but it'll never go away
and it's fine
we're in the sewing classroom
it's still september
isn't it weird to think that it was so recently that we did all this? we were just there. weren't we just there?
she's calling me and i'm not picking up, and i'm not calling back, and I'M busy, and I'M sad, and I'M stressed, and i have never regretted anything more
she's dying
and i don't even know
and she's gone and i never said goodbye and i never even said hello
I never used to understand why victims of various things would forgive their harmer. And it kinda makes sense because I was coming from the baptist church, where forgiveness is forced, no matter what happened, and there's a lot of victim blaming. But now I've come to find that forgiving them isn't giving in. It's barely even about them. It's something much greater, and also one of the few ways that I've been able to find some peace. Specifically in my case, it was a random act. By acknowledging that there were many risk factors in their life that led up to them doing it (social determinants of health are a thing for mental health not just physical), it actually helps me to stop blaming myself. Because it was truly random. And so by removing myself from the equation entirely, we can begin our journey towards inner peace. And forgiving them is part of that. This was 0% preventable due to being 100% random. It could've happened to anyone. So I can't keep holding onto hurt and fear and paranoia. And that's why my opinion on forgiveness has totally changed. I did it for me.
i had to learn how to be amazed by things, and that it's okay to experience amazement and joy. i don't know why i had to consciously learn this.
or maybe i do.
everything i do is questioned or made fun of. i don't feel like existing anymore. i can't find a way to feel comfortable in this world. no place feels safe, no place feels like home.
i wish i could just be normal. not be so terrified. not be drowning. not be falling apart. not dreading another day of existing.
oh god, i hate even thinking of it, oh god. i can't. but i also can't tell anyone. because i'm so fucking stupid and i hate myself. i have to act like nothing is wrong. no problems here.
every time i think of it i just
fall
apart
me: the bar is on the ground
my friend: how many'd trip?
akfojdsfaksjdnf
DEEPEST 3 WORDS EVER
i've been thinking a lot about how nothing makes me happy anymore.
i've been thinking a lot about how there isn't one person in the world who i really trust and who really understands me.
not one. and i don't want a partner. i don't think i have ever truly wanted a partner. i've always just wanted a friend. a real best friend.
okay okay okay
i have this weird recurring theme of wanting to fast forward through life. this is not the first time it's come up.
but then i have this much more pervasive, semi-constant obsession with the past and strong lurv towards it
so... you know... just saying, this is pretty fuckin dissonant :^)
well
i know
i just want to travel to a time where i have less problems, or even just different problems, less severe problems that are not these problems. but so far i've never found that.
it's only gotten so much worse over time. so much. but for some reason i believe it still gets better?
wow. sounds so stupid. stupid stupid. but i think it's the truth
i want to leave
this behind
I once thought, "I just need a person I can trust." And that hasn't changed. But I've lost hope that a person like that exists. So I'll just pretend I don't really need it.
If this is how bad it's been thus far, and I'm 20, then why would I want to continue? I want a new game. I want a different world.
[background: my father was killed by police when i was 2 years old] A sad thing is that, despite the absolute tragicness and incomprehensibility of it all, maybe it's not even too uncommon among my demographic. Their fate, too, was sealed from the beginning.
And that's so much worse. It's pretty terrible that it happens to me, but so many others too, in this region alone? Wow.
Anyway, as I was thinking, I'll never feel the acute loss/grief that typically accompanies the death of a loved one, but I think it's possible to still end up quite angry about it. Because they did take something from me, and so unfairly. So incomprehensibly.
I was thinking about this because of the lyrics:
"Do you think you can reduce the terror threat
By inflicting terror on an infant that's never witnessed terror yet
Look, if Americans had taken my parents away
I'd never forget my vendetta 'til I'd settled the debt"
But I'm not the only one. That can be comforting. It's also terrifying.
i was fucking happy for a second and then i was like "wow i'm happy" and so i remembered all the reasons i have to be terribly unhappy and now i'm sad
so elusive!
i think that derealization can be a pretty reasonable response to a lifetime of trauma, don't you think? it makes more sense than the alternative that this is real life and this shit actually happens to people :)))
it just doesn't make SENSE, okay? that's my main gripe. talk about plot holes in reality. it's a game-breaking glitch.
If I told you, you wouldn't believe me. So I don't tell anyone. I stopped telling people. At this point I'm just hoping that some day it will all be worth it. Lol!
it can happen so fast. i didn't really realize it until like, now. it doesn't take months or weeks or days or hours to spiral. it takes minutes. just one thought and it begins.
I never expected people to just hate me, and for things I haven't even done. It's just not something you anticipate to occur in your life. But yet for many of us, it's a reality. Our only question is why?
With eternal sadness,
Starlike
When will I stop feeling so out of place? When will I feel like I'm equal to adults? When will I feel like I'm enough?
no life
is ever
ruined
not completely
and never in the way you imagine it to be
nothing is ever as bad as you first think it to be
remember?
we never asked for this and it's the saddest fucking thing i've ever heard. our fate was fucking sealed before we were born. it was not preventable.
these bad fucking things happen and they're not predictable or preventable and where the FUCK does that leave us? what are we, just helpless sufferers? how do you expect us to respond? how far can we be pushed until we break?
sometimes it's unfathomable, the amount of pain we never knew we'd get. it was never supposed to be like this.
babies are born into homes that are incapable of providing for or protecting them. those babies grow up into traumatized children, teens, and adults, who never had a choice or a chance to be anything else. rinse & repeat.
"for every action, there's reaction. broken hearts don't just happen."
if we'd have known back then what our lives would be now, would we have kept living? or would we have spared our future selves the trouble?
if we're determined not to die, then there's only one way out. it just hit me all at once and i was suddenly crying. this happens sometimes, when it's too much, when the reality is too stark.
but
there's
only
one
way
out
Wow. Okay. I'm not happy. But it's because I can't not see the pain and general awfulness of the world, both my world and the rest of it. Which is why I'm sometimes drawn towards simplicity. Because it's a lot of fuckin work to constantly be seeing and noticing and critically thinking about everything and not being able to stop. So my brain is trying to find something that will make me unequivocally happy. Something I can't critique or feel bad from. And god I wish it would work.
The only difference between killers and non-killers is the fact that the second group just hasn't done it. All humans have the potential/capacity. And everyone who did end up doing it, is/was just very mentally ill. Punishment is not the answer.
The world must become very different than it is currently.
I do describe people who view people/the world as "generally good" as naive. It's optimistic, but not realistic, and those two aren't always mutually exclusive, but in this case they are. And it's fine to be optimistic personally, but it starts to become harmful when it invalidates the overall terrible lives that others are randomly assigned to. And it might unfairly shift the blame, e.g. "I've had good interactions with people, why haven't you?" As if it could ever be our fault, like come on. We try as hard as we can and are met with less than fucking nothing in return.
i just realized its about thoughts. i dont want to be alone with my thoughts. it never seems to end well. distractions help prevent thinking lol
but the great thing about thoughts is that i control them. i don't like what i'm visualizing? i open my eyes and it's gone. that's the great difference... between thoughts and the outside world
i should feel at home with myself
i shouldn't dread being alone with myself
it feels like i'll always be scared. but i know that's not true. i hope to god that's not true.
Do you ever think about the weird, sometimes fucked-up, seemingly arbitrary, lucky and unlucky, sequence of events that led up to this, exact, moment?
Because it's all I can think about.
Like what you like.
You damn us.
The matching shoes, though. That's a look.
The pain-filled eyes? That's also a look.
If you think you're special, then show them. Live it. What's stopping you? If you think you've got something different, and I believe you do, then put it on display. Put some of that endless planning into action. Preparation is necessary, and some people don't do enough of it, but you've got the opposite problem, you prepare too much and then never end up actually doing it. Jump in for once. =] I do honestly believe it's that easy. You have it already. The drive, the ability, the passion, the equipment, the skills, the desire. You just have to express it.
I'm doing some amazing things myself while experiencing horrific things at the hands of others, both at an individual and systemic level. But I think what I'm doing for myself matters so much more than what they're doing to me. So, sorry to the people with an incomprehensible desire to make my life insufferable — it's not gonna work. I've decided not to live in fear anymore, simply because it sucks and I hate it, so I'm not going to. And you're not gonna make me cut my life short and deprive myself of the joy that I know will be in my future. Sorry.
Random potentially helpful reminder: I am neither the first nor last person to experience anything. Fortunately or unfortunately there have been countless before and there will be countless more.
always. thinking.
never stops.
can't slow down. can't turn off.
a 24/7 stream of self-doubt, a constant worry machine.
I'm coping remarkably well.
admittedly it IS kind of amazing that i'm here, at this point in time and space, being alive and doing things. huh
GOD
I'M SO SORRY
i let everyone down
but more importantly, MUCH more importantly, i let myself down. that matters the most. that hurts the most.
i really am
really
really
really
sorry
i know it doesn't matter. it's easy to be sorry when it doesn't matter anymore.
it's hard to do right at the time, it's hard to apologize if you do wrong, and it's so, so easy to regret it later.
it's an odd feeling, to be scared of yourself. it can be a good thing... it can be useful, to keep yourself in check. but it's still odd. it's uncomfortable. it's strange. it's confusing.
why should i be scared of myself, right? i should be more scared of others because you can never really know them but you can always know yourself.
so that's why it's uncomfortable because it implies a loss of trust in your own damn self. an unpredictability where there should be none
i had a dream that i could see all the stars so clearly
there were so many of them, i couldn't take my eyes off them
it's like, "how did that happen in MY lifetime. surely it couldn't have. there's no way that happened to me, a year and a half ago. nope."
but it did...
it's the worst
and i don't want it to happen and i'm terrified of what could happen. but i feel it worse every day. getting more painful every day. why? why? how do i stop it? that's always the question... but never any answer...
stupid idiot, have a kleenex right next to you but still use your hoodie sleeves. it's gonna make your eyes red and painful and obvious. you know that. you remember the first time you found that out
it's been so long since i've heard this song. october 2013. i was right here. so much has happened since then, so so much, i don't even vaguely remember what i was thinking of back then. it's so different now but so same too. how has it been 5 years?
it hurts so fucking much it hurts so fucking much it hurts so fucking much. i thought it would be fine but it hasn't been this bad in a while. my head fucking hurts. this doesn't normally happen. or does it? is this normal? i wouldn't fucking know, would you? fuck. and i won't ever know, either, 'cause i won't ever ask anyone. cuz that would involve explaining it to them. and i can't ever do that, obviously... obviously.
WHY AM I STILL HERE AFTER FIVE YEARS? WHY? WHY ISN'T IT OVER YET? WHAT THE FUCK, WILL IT EVER BE OVER?
this wasn't how it was supposed to happen. this was never supposed to have happened. it's 2018, folks...
THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO RELIEVE THE PAIN
EVERYTHING SOMEHOW JUST MAKES IT WORSE
NO MATTER WHAT IT IS
EVERYTHING I THINK ABOUT MAKES IT WORSEEEEEEEE
FUCK! ING! SHIT!
i know i'm typing angrily
but this is mostly not anger
God I do, I do waver so much. Between everything. I wanna do shit but then it just, the desire just disappears. Completely. And I have no idea why. And it's annoying as fuck. Cuz then I'm like, "but I wanted to do that. Why don't I anymore? How could it change so quickly?" Siiigh. (Beautiful things no longer give me the chills)
And I waver between... well, what the song is about (as far as I can tell based on the translation). Happy and sad, good and bad. I feel it, yes. It hurts me, yes. (It hurts me, yes, it can get lonely)
I wanna be good but then... the bad is so alluring. It draws me in. And it's so much easier, I know, it's always easier to just give in...
I focus on the details when it's too painful to think about at what's actually happening.
Also, I forgot to say that I think the real reason I get these OCD-type intrusive thoughts really comes down to self-destruction. It would hurt me so much,
and that's why these particular intrusive thoughts come, because for some fucking reason my brain is literally always seeking out any possible way that it can make me inflict pain on myself. For years, for so long, just, forever.
And actually, I actually used to be a lot more open to exploring that part of myself when I was younger. I guess I was curious and found it fascinating in
kind of a scientific way. But now it just hurts and so I try not to think about it...
Why am I like this? Why why why do I constantly, subconsciously seek out emotional pain? It can't be just masochism. It's more fucked and deeper than that. (it's too much)
And I've even been aware of this self-sabotage for YEARS. Yet it doesn't stop. Same with how I'm aware of procrastination, yet it doesn't stop. I'm aware that this is gonna end badly, yet it doesn't stop.
(everything works out nice in the end) I'm aware that everything needs to change, like right now, yet it doesn't stop. (but it's something new, I guess it all depends on your point of view)
Why? Why am I stuck in this loop? (stuck in a song...) Why is it so hard to break free? It's so frustrating that I wanna cry from just the frustration.
And then combine that with the sadness, fear, depression. Just, paralyzing fear and anxiety. Yet everything continues on the same, every day the same. (every time the same)
Fuck! I hate it so much! I hate it and yet why does it feel like there's nothing I can do about it!
what can you do, what can you do about it
oh, I don't know
run outside and twirl
scream hello at this hyper world
Such a demented freak. (trapped in myself, I'm a sick man)
you know how sometimes you get sad for no real reason and so it's a bit confusing and you ask yourself "why am i sad"
well
i just literally thought to myself, "why am i happy". wow. i guess because, sadness is the norm now. so when i'm happy for no real reason, it's weird. and btw idek if this is called "happy". it's more like, "not sad". "less terrified than usual"
okaaaaaay
i'm gonna stop writing this now because it's getting sad again
And people still don't understand. How can I make them understand? Is it my fault they don't understand? Am I doing an inadequate job of explaining? I'm never very clear with my words, I guess... yet I try so hard... :/
I didn't choose to be here. I never asked for this, to be in this amount of pain all the time. To be this scared, this angry, this resentful, this fearful, this paranoid, this hurt. I never wanted this. I never asked for this. So why do I have to experience it? Why does anyone? Why?
It's all too much, it's always too much, and yet, it's hardly anything at all. How can so little feel so overwhelming?
In my head I'm screaming, but I know no one will ever hear me.
For some reason, people make fun of others who say they're misunderstood. As if they're calling themselves edgy or something. No. It truly hurts to be constantly misunderstood. Do you know how it feels when no one around you bothers to even try to understand? They're just like, "that doesn't make sense," and move on. Like it's not even worth their time. Or maybe they do try but they still don't understood, in which case, now I feel like there's something wrong with me, or that I'm bad at explaining things, or some shit like that. If they can't understand me then surely I'm a fucking piece of shit. This really is my thought process. Fuck. It hurts every day. I don't bother trying to explain to people anymore. I don't bother talking to them, I don't bother asking for help, because all along they've said they don't get it. So I'll fuck off.
Why does it hurt so much? Why? Why me? Why anyone? Why is it possible to hurt this much? No matter how much better I get I'll always be bad. How can anyone heal from this?
I can't imagine living another year of this wasted life. What a world.
Hey, who needs the new iPhones for Portrait Lighting? I've got an LED lamp from the dollar store and I vaguely know how to position it! I'm a threat to capitalism everywhere.
I just realized that there are different types of anger. For example, there's the anger that comes from being pushed to your absolute limit. So frustrated, even with myself, that I want to hurt everything around me, including/especially myself.
i wonder what it is, that feeling of impending doom brought on by seemingly nothing? actually, sometimes music seems to cause it. it doesn't necessarily feel dissociative, 'cause dissociation feels more numb... this is more painful/scary. idk. and it's more like just an overall odd/scared feeling. idk.
if there's a god, why would they allow an abomination like myself to exist? checkm8, theists. *puts on sunglasses*
(semi-serious remark)
why do i feel pathetic and angry at myself for crying? it didn't used to bother me. but now i feel like i'm being a burden, even though I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE, so i literally can't possibly be annoying anyone. i guess it's just been so ingrained that i'm an "attention whore" or whatever the mot du jour is, that i truly believe it of myself, even when i'm all alone. ah well.
I realized that it's hard for me to "be myself" because I don't even know actually know who I am. So I guess that's why the way I talk/write changes a lot sometimes. I pick up other people's mannerisms because I don't have my own. I'm unoriginal, I'm a plagiariser. Oh well.
That's also why it's so important for me to hear how others perceive me. It's not that I care so much what they think of me per se, it's just that I can't see myself for myself, so I need others to tell me. I'm not trying to be a burden.
You know how when something bad happens to you somewhere, you try to avoid that place? Yeah, that sucks. I don't really have much to say on that, just that it sucks x)
Sometimes everywhere is scary. Nowhere feels safe anymore. And that really sucks. It's terrifying just to exist, because as long as I exist, bad things can happen to me. I haven't found a way to mitigate this yet, but if I do, I'll probably tell y'all about it.
I'm not usually afraid of the dark or what's in it, but after that, something changes. Things that are literally nothing become scary. What a way to live.
"I live in fear, burning up inside."
"Always empathetic, always feeling way too much
What is 'moderation'? I don't use the word enough"
"The world without me spins like every day"
It's really hard to accept it. "No, not me, it couldn't happen to me." Sometimes you even think it didn't happen to you. It couldn't have [a false premise], so it didn't. Logic.
I don't wanna think about what I could've done differently to avoid this, 'cause that would involve thinking about it at all, which I don't want to do. But don't say I need to take responsibility, okay?! I know I'm not blameless! I already know that! Stop telling me it!
You exist? People exist in this world? Reality isn't just a figment of my imagination?
Will we be okay?
God I am a piece of shit.
Sometimes I may feel like I am bad person, but at least I'm not systemically oppressing people, right? x)
for some reason it just started feeling like that didn't happen to me. how could that have been a part of my life? what? how? my life?
why did it just hit me now?
i accepted it this entire time. i always accepted it. why now is it hurting? why now is it dissociating? i don't understand.
i also don't understand how it was a part of my life. it's so insane. that did not happen to me. right? not me. it didn't. what?
fuck.
that's weird.
i don't want to put it in perspective.
could i, even?
the feeling of time changes so much, so often, that it loses all meaning when i look back on it. any given six month period will be different from the next. some of them pass by in zero seconds, some of them take years. seriously.
but it didn't happen to me, goddammit, none of it happened to me. right?
i realized it's PTSD. no one realized it before me, but i guess i never told them, and if even i didn't figure it out, then why would they?
it's bad, but i didn't need a label to know it's bad. it was already bad.
who am i? why am i dissociating now? i haven't truly dissociated in a long time. what's causing it now? will it get worse? how do i stop it?
sleep deprivation can fuck you up too. i'm sure it's contributing. but it was that trigger which led to that train of thoughts which led to the sense of dread & impending doom. i don't want it to deteriorate. i feel like the more it happens, the easier it gets to slip into it, and deeper. idk, maybe i'm wrong. hopefully.
where does the time go?
now that you've found out all that you could, did you really want to know so much?
less than nothing, even
when someone else controls your life to that extent, i'd bet it feels like you've got less than nothing
They weren't good memories. Well, they may become good memories over time, but in reality they weren't good experiences. There are no such thing as the good ol' days. It's all just a corrupt file in the brain. And yes, you'll never be able to keep all memories straight. From the moment memories are created they're tainted, and they change each time they're accessed. Even I don't notice this process, so it's hard to accept that it's happening, but it must be, right? Although, digital archiving makes it much easier to keep memories as accurate as possible (read: still not necessarily very accurate).
And does it even matter if the memory isn't reality? That reality is long gone. That experience ended years ago, there's no physical trace of it. If it was a bad experience but the memory either changes or disappears, does it matter? Maybe it's even better that way?
minecraft makes very interesting memories. they always feel like it was just yesterday. i can recall so vividly trying to make a house in the mesa but the coloured sand blocks kept falling,
lol. i can recall so vividly my jungle house, trying to get ocelots, trying to keep those chickens in the pen. sigh. but i know the approximate date of that, and, well... it certainly wasn't yesterday.
it was a terrible day
i truly wonder why the memories are so clear and so close.
i know they try as hard as they can and they still get fucked. i know that's how it works. they're unwillingly and undeservedly thrown into a vortex of eternally being screwed over; escape is sometimes truly impossible. so, i guess, in that way, fate is real, and it's depressing as fuck. but you can't resign yourself to that thought just because it's happened to others and could happen to anyone. once you succumb to that, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. and even that, shit, it's so hard. it really is so hard. it's so damn unfortunate. unfortunate is technically the wrong word, since this system didn't create itself. it was designed this way. sigh.
yes, i wish i could do more, we all do. but i don't think we're trying to make excuses. we're just clueless. it's intentionally difficult to understand how to change things, so how can you blame us for not being better?
if i think about it too much, it makes me very sad.
gypsy bard: "now memories are blurred, and their faces are obscured, but i still know the words to this song"
it got meta
it got real meta, real fast
i sure do still know the words to that song...
it's moments like these where i like having such deep feelings. most of the time, though, it doesn't seem worth it.
and i don't know if the few times where it's useful make up for all the bad times. and will it keep getting more unbearable as time goes on? does it stack? i'm scared of that.
I realized that I feel so bad when I'm not as good as others, but I don't feel good when I'm better than them. lol. I should start doing that
At what point does it become unrecoverable? The only times I'm distracted is when I'm thinking of things that will never happen. Dreaming about alternate realities. But I know I'm too much of a coward to do any of it. And that's sad in every way. Every other moment of life is so painful. It hurts every part of me. But no one knows and no one will ever know. This is my secret. If only I could let you know.
i realize the things that motivate me are often silly, transient, and volatile, but they still motivate me and make me happy and feel hopeful about the future :D still terrified, but satisfied
Where could I have been? A year ago, a year from now?
There's an infinite amount of places I could have been a year ago, yet there I was.
Yet here I am.
Is it even worth speculating? The current universe is the only one that matters, right? isn't that so? Yet I can almost feel it, the energy, from somewhere out there. It speaks to me.
Time is a feeling. I feel the past. We are there.
I'm scared. But who wouldn't be? What is life anymore? I dissociate too much nowadays. I don't remember enough.
but it's nothing really, it's nothing really
i'm alright
i'm alright
i'm alright
i'm alright
I could say that. I could. But it wouldn't be true. I do deserve it.
Remember kids, always write exactly what you mean or it'll be misconstrued as whatever it's not. But I guess that'll happen anyway, no matter what you write.
Why even try if the outcome is predetermined? Is our fate sealed? I guess that's the real question.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: if this weren't my own life, it'd be fascinating. Well, it still is, but there's actually stuff on the line for me, so it's not that fun.
Remember: it can always get worse. So don't give up because you think it can't hurt.
What a horrible, terrible, cursed day. That is all.
My Kit Kat chocolate is defective; it's filled with milk chocolate instead of wafer. Tastes good though.
So many new thoughts I can discover.
The rain is back. I missed it. It's not very intense yet, but a storm is rumored to begin at 2am. I hope it rains and never stops raining.
Oh there you are my beautiful rain. I've turned off my light; you're better seen in the dark. So lovely, your askew piercing needles.